Ok, where do I begin? I recently went to the movies to catch a flick. I was taking in a matinee of Friday The 13th during the week after I got done with class, and what took place in the theater was much scarier than what was on the big screen.
I thought at one point I was being punked. I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out with a camera laughing, but then I realized I'm not famous and Ashton has no idea who I am. So the only realization I could come to was that I was at the movies with 10 of the most annoying people on the planet.
I get to the theater for the 3:30 p.m. showing thinking that I'd probably be the only one there considering it was a Thursday, which I was. So I sit top-middle to give me the best possible seat I could get. With about 10 minutes to go before the show starts, four kids walk in, probably around 18-years-old, and sit in the four seats directly in front of me, even though there were about 80 empty seats and my feet were resting comfortably on the chairs they chose.
I instantly began to laugh to myself and started looking around almost hoping there was someone else that saw this. To make matters worse, they started laughing and talking like 18-year-old's do, which really pissed me off.
Five minutes to go now, and two more people walk in. They begin walking up the isle and stop in my row, sitting right next to me leaving only one chair between us. I'm in total shock now. Is this a joke?
As soon as they sit down two more people walk in, come up the other isle and sit in my row on my other side. Only they left two seats between us. I'm beginning to lose it. It's not that I'm not a people person, or that I get claustrophobic when surrounded, it's just that i was completely comfortable in a theater alone and all of a sudden these schmucks have me surrounded and feeling very uneasy.
The previews begin and I think it can't get worse until two more people walk in, come up the isle and sit in the seats directly behind me. As they sit down, one of them answers their phone and talks on it for at least 2 minutes.
I was now pissed. But what do I do? If I move I have to walk by them and then would feel like they were staring at me the whole movie because I moved away from them all.
I decided to stick it out. It was the wrong thing to do. The whole movie I couldn't even concentrate because every time Jason stuck his fucking hockey-masked face out every person around me jumped while my chair was getting knocked in each and every direction. I got popcorn coming at me from the front, M&M's from behind and I don't even know what the assholes to my right were throwing on me. Some sort of deli meat I think.
Plus they all were the horror-movie talkers. You know, talking to the people on the screen. Jesus.
It was the worst movie experience I've ever had......well, except for when I saw Chain Reaction in the theaters. Keanu Reeves was worse in that film than any asshole next to me could ever be.
And the weirdest thing was the movie wasn't even half-bad. Not great, but definitely worth seeing. However, based on my latest movie going experience, I'd wait for DVD.
March 5, 2009
January 28, 2009
That's Soft!
I tried to move on. I really did. I told myself it's not worth my time, my complaining or my anger. And I was well on my way to full recovery when it happened, I saw Matt Millen on NBC analyzing games and players. I almost crapped myself. I don't wear glasses, but I put on my fathers to see if maybe I needed them finally. I thought my sight had to be going. What the fuck is this t-bag doing on the air?
I listened to his half-ass interview with Dan Patrick about how things just didn't work out with the Detroit Lions. He spoke for 5 minutes in a comfortable position and answered easy questions that were obviously rehearsed. I then watched him predict that Atlanta would beat Arizona during their first round game because they stop the run so well. Arizona proceeded to run the shit out of the ball all over those dirty birds and have since swooped into the Superbowl. Even when analyzing on TV, he can't get it right. I felt the vile taste of vomit beginning to churn up my esophagus so I did what was best and turned off the TV. This was almost four weeks ago during the first round of the NFL playoffs.
About two weeks ago NBC announced that Millen would join their crew permanently and would be part of their Superbowl coverage. This however made me a little happy. It's tradition that during Superbowl media day the station who is covering the game is also on display for the national media to answer questions just like the players and coaches who are involved. And there would undoubtedly be some Detroit sportswriters there to finally ask the man who single-handily took the once proud mediocre franchise of the Detroit Lions and turned them into the worst organization in sports. Finally he would have to fess up under an uncomfortable situation and answer the questions that every Lions fan wants to hear.
But alas, that did not happen. Mr. Millen did not show up to media day. Everyone else did. Bob Costas did. Chris Collensworth did. Jerome Bettis did. AL Michaels did. John Madden did. But not Millen. He chickened out. There is only one reasonable explanation for this. He knew there would be Detroit media and didn't want to talk to them.
Now some of you outside the bubble of Detroit might be saying, so what? So what if he did a bad job there? So what if he wants to work for NBC? What about second chances?
I'm all for second chances. I'm all for people getting that second opportunity to show they can succeed. But you don't know the whole story. Matt Millen has never fessed up for his blunders. He's never spoken with the local media. He's never had to sit in front of a podium surrounded by people who are not his friends, and answer the questions we as Lions fans want to hear. He never held a weekly press conference like most GM's do. He never even held a monthly one. He was never available for comment during the years of losing. He didn't even live in Michigan during the season. Every Monday he would go to his hometown of Smutsville, PA and remain there for the week. He would only fly in on Saturday before the game, watch the game on Sunday, then fly back out. So the President/GM of the organization was not even here to be asked. The only time he was seen was when he was firing coaches.
When he was fired four games into the 2009 season, he didn't even face the music. He simply left out the backdoor and was never seen or heard from again....until that night on NBC. He's had everyone else making his comments. After being fired we didn't hear from Matt, but his wife was awfully chatty. She began saying what a relief it is for him to be out of "football hell"........what the fuck? Football hell? Didn't he make this hell? Didn't he take over a 9-7 team that missed the playoffs on the last day of the season and then gut the shit out of them only to see them win 31 games over the next eight years? Yup, we heard from her, but not Matt.
John Madden has come out and said that Matt doesn't need to talk about Detroit. It didn't work out there, but that doesn't mean he's not a good man. Bettis came out and said Matt told him privately that a lot of that stuff that happened in Detroit was out of his hands. So he won't even make excuses in public.
The fact remains he snuck out the back door of Detroit with his tail between his legs never standing up like a man and saying this is what happened, this is why I failed. This is where we went wrong. And especially, an apology to the people of Detroit who, despite the awful record, still live and die with this team. To use a line often spoken by Rod Marinelli, the third coach fired under Millen's watch, "that's soft!" When Marinelli was canned, guess what he did? He took his spot in front of the media, answered the questions, said he was sorry it didn't work out and walked out the front door with his head high.
I'm all for second chances. There is nothing wrong with a man taking a job and not succeeding. Admitting you were not good at something or that you failed at something you tried is not shameful. But not answering up for it is.
Dick Vitale is one of the most respected and admired analysts in all of sports. But when it came to coaching the Detroit Pistons he was terrible. He was worse than terrible. But he came to grips with that. He often speaks about how bad a coach he was. How he failed miserably at that part of the sport. But when it comes to analysis, he's at the top of his game.
This could be Millen. He could be a Vitale type. Someone who was a good player and good broadcaster, but when it came to running a football organization and team, he was terrible and a failure. If he said that, if he came out and spoke to the people of Detroit, not his national friendly media, I may even forgive and forget. But that won't happen. Because for a guy who played the game so fiercely and with such determination, when it comes to answering tough questions about his failures, he's soft!
I listened to his half-ass interview with Dan Patrick about how things just didn't work out with the Detroit Lions. He spoke for 5 minutes in a comfortable position and answered easy questions that were obviously rehearsed. I then watched him predict that Atlanta would beat Arizona during their first round game because they stop the run so well. Arizona proceeded to run the shit out of the ball all over those dirty birds and have since swooped into the Superbowl. Even when analyzing on TV, he can't get it right. I felt the vile taste of vomit beginning to churn up my esophagus so I did what was best and turned off the TV. This was almost four weeks ago during the first round of the NFL playoffs.
About two weeks ago NBC announced that Millen would join their crew permanently and would be part of their Superbowl coverage. This however made me a little happy. It's tradition that during Superbowl media day the station who is covering the game is also on display for the national media to answer questions just like the players and coaches who are involved. And there would undoubtedly be some Detroit sportswriters there to finally ask the man who single-handily took the once proud mediocre franchise of the Detroit Lions and turned them into the worst organization in sports. Finally he would have to fess up under an uncomfortable situation and answer the questions that every Lions fan wants to hear.
But alas, that did not happen. Mr. Millen did not show up to media day. Everyone else did. Bob Costas did. Chris Collensworth did. Jerome Bettis did. AL Michaels did. John Madden did. But not Millen. He chickened out. There is only one reasonable explanation for this. He knew there would be Detroit media and didn't want to talk to them.
Now some of you outside the bubble of Detroit might be saying, so what? So what if he did a bad job there? So what if he wants to work for NBC? What about second chances?
I'm all for second chances. I'm all for people getting that second opportunity to show they can succeed. But you don't know the whole story. Matt Millen has never fessed up for his blunders. He's never spoken with the local media. He's never had to sit in front of a podium surrounded by people who are not his friends, and answer the questions we as Lions fans want to hear. He never held a weekly press conference like most GM's do. He never even held a monthly one. He was never available for comment during the years of losing. He didn't even live in Michigan during the season. Every Monday he would go to his hometown of Smutsville, PA and remain there for the week. He would only fly in on Saturday before the game, watch the game on Sunday, then fly back out. So the President/GM of the organization was not even here to be asked. The only time he was seen was when he was firing coaches.
When he was fired four games into the 2009 season, he didn't even face the music. He simply left out the backdoor and was never seen or heard from again....until that night on NBC. He's had everyone else making his comments. After being fired we didn't hear from Matt, but his wife was awfully chatty. She began saying what a relief it is for him to be out of "football hell"........what the fuck? Football hell? Didn't he make this hell? Didn't he take over a 9-7 team that missed the playoffs on the last day of the season and then gut the shit out of them only to see them win 31 games over the next eight years? Yup, we heard from her, but not Matt.
John Madden has come out and said that Matt doesn't need to talk about Detroit. It didn't work out there, but that doesn't mean he's not a good man. Bettis came out and said Matt told him privately that a lot of that stuff that happened in Detroit was out of his hands. So he won't even make excuses in public.
The fact remains he snuck out the back door of Detroit with his tail between his legs never standing up like a man and saying this is what happened, this is why I failed. This is where we went wrong. And especially, an apology to the people of Detroit who, despite the awful record, still live and die with this team. To use a line often spoken by Rod Marinelli, the third coach fired under Millen's watch, "that's soft!" When Marinelli was canned, guess what he did? He took his spot in front of the media, answered the questions, said he was sorry it didn't work out and walked out the front door with his head high.
I'm all for second chances. There is nothing wrong with a man taking a job and not succeeding. Admitting you were not good at something or that you failed at something you tried is not shameful. But not answering up for it is.
Dick Vitale is one of the most respected and admired analysts in all of sports. But when it came to coaching the Detroit Pistons he was terrible. He was worse than terrible. But he came to grips with that. He often speaks about how bad a coach he was. How he failed miserably at that part of the sport. But when it comes to analysis, he's at the top of his game.
This could be Millen. He could be a Vitale type. Someone who was a good player and good broadcaster, but when it came to running a football organization and team, he was terrible and a failure. If he said that, if he came out and spoke to the people of Detroit, not his national friendly media, I may even forgive and forget. But that won't happen. Because for a guy who played the game so fiercely and with such determination, when it comes to answering tough questions about his failures, he's soft!
January 14, 2009
The Wrestler Body Slam's Its Way Into My Heart
I recently saw the movie The Wrestler, and I must say it was fantastic! Everything about the movie got to me. I grew up in the 80's watching some of the all-time great wrestlers. I saw the likes of Hulk Hogan, Andre The Giant, Brett Hart, Ultimate Warrior, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Macho Man, Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, Mr. Perfect, Demolition, Ricky Steamboat, Junk Yard Dog, etc. etc. So this movie allowed me to relive my youth.
It reminded me of all the paperviews I used to make my dad order. The Survivor Series', Wrestlmania's, Royal Rumble's, Summerslam's and Battle Royal's. It reminded me of the action figure's, bed sheets, T-shirt's and poster's I had. It reminded me of when I was at The Palace of Auburn Hills for a big time match in the first row and Macho Man threw his bandanna to me as he entered the ring. I wish I could say I still have it. It reminded me of the arguments I had. Was Hogan better than The Giant? Would Virgil turn on The Million Dollar Man? Was Elizabeth sleeping with all the wrestler's? Well, maybe that didn't climb into my head until years later, but it's still an interesting question. During the opening credits (they really get you into the spirit) these were all the thoughts I had running threw my head.
However, these thoughts went away as soon as the movie truly began. Because the opening credits were about the bright lights, loud stadiums, great memories and wrestler theme songs. Once the movie began we were no longer the audience watching from the stands but the wrestler himself, feeling the effects. And Mickey Rourke did an exceptional job of just that. Making us as the audience feel every wince, every cough and all the pain he goes through day after day. Watching him no longer made me excited about wrestling again, but sympathetic.
We as an audience generally look down on professional wrestling. We see it as a fake sport. Something scripted where the ending is decided before the match even begins. We don't see the concussions, back spasms, separated shoulders and broken bones. We don't see the consumption of pain killers just to get out of bed. We don't see the shots of adrenalin and testosterone to try to get through the show. And we don't see the pain and consequences of doing these types of things to your body on a daily basis just for a paycheck. We only see the glamour of the one's who make it to the top. We don't know that if you are injured and can't wrestle, there is no players union or injured reserve list to fight for you. We don't know that if you think you're too hurt to wrestle, you don't get paid and someone else will take your spot.
These men break themselves night after night, week after week, year after year. No off season like other sports for your body to heal. And when it's gone, it's gone. For every Hulk Hogan or Macho Man, the ones who will live on forever, there are a thousand no names still wrestling at 45 in some small time gym for 100 people just to pay the heating bill. We don't know that there are about 100 wrestlers in the past 30 years who have died before their 50th birthday. And we don't know about the 1,000 others who are in their 40's that can barely tie their shoes.
This movie lets us in. It shows us all the dirty secrets we never knew. Mickey Rourke brings us into the mind of one of these men. Rarely does a performance make you forget you are the audience. Rarely does a performance make you feel like the character yourself. In Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks makes you feel all of his emotions. And Rourke does the same here. We begin seeing things through his eyes. And when the movie ended, and I got up to walk out, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I could not believe what I just saw. It was that good.....and that powerful.
While the beginning of the movie made me relive my favorite memories and begin to fall back in love with the sport, the ending did the just the opposite.
I can't say that you will feel the same way about the film as I did, but I will guarantee you will never look at the athletes making up this "fake" sport the same ever again. And that's a good thing, because they deserve better.
It reminded me of all the paperviews I used to make my dad order. The Survivor Series', Wrestlmania's, Royal Rumble's, Summerslam's and Battle Royal's. It reminded me of the action figure's, bed sheets, T-shirt's and poster's I had. It reminded me of when I was at The Palace of Auburn Hills for a big time match in the first row and Macho Man threw his bandanna to me as he entered the ring. I wish I could say I still have it. It reminded me of the arguments I had. Was Hogan better than The Giant? Would Virgil turn on The Million Dollar Man? Was Elizabeth sleeping with all the wrestler's? Well, maybe that didn't climb into my head until years later, but it's still an interesting question. During the opening credits (they really get you into the spirit) these were all the thoughts I had running threw my head.
However, these thoughts went away as soon as the movie truly began. Because the opening credits were about the bright lights, loud stadiums, great memories and wrestler theme songs. Once the movie began we were no longer the audience watching from the stands but the wrestler himself, feeling the effects. And Mickey Rourke did an exceptional job of just that. Making us as the audience feel every wince, every cough and all the pain he goes through day after day. Watching him no longer made me excited about wrestling again, but sympathetic.
We as an audience generally look down on professional wrestling. We see it as a fake sport. Something scripted where the ending is decided before the match even begins. We don't see the concussions, back spasms, separated shoulders and broken bones. We don't see the consumption of pain killers just to get out of bed. We don't see the shots of adrenalin and testosterone to try to get through the show. And we don't see the pain and consequences of doing these types of things to your body on a daily basis just for a paycheck. We only see the glamour of the one's who make it to the top. We don't know that if you are injured and can't wrestle, there is no players union or injured reserve list to fight for you. We don't know that if you think you're too hurt to wrestle, you don't get paid and someone else will take your spot.
These men break themselves night after night, week after week, year after year. No off season like other sports for your body to heal. And when it's gone, it's gone. For every Hulk Hogan or Macho Man, the ones who will live on forever, there are a thousand no names still wrestling at 45 in some small time gym for 100 people just to pay the heating bill. We don't know that there are about 100 wrestlers in the past 30 years who have died before their 50th birthday. And we don't know about the 1,000 others who are in their 40's that can barely tie their shoes.
This movie lets us in. It shows us all the dirty secrets we never knew. Mickey Rourke brings us into the mind of one of these men. Rarely does a performance make you forget you are the audience. Rarely does a performance make you feel like the character yourself. In Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks makes you feel all of his emotions. And Rourke does the same here. We begin seeing things through his eyes. And when the movie ended, and I got up to walk out, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I could not believe what I just saw. It was that good.....and that powerful.
While the beginning of the movie made me relive my favorite memories and begin to fall back in love with the sport, the ending did the just the opposite.
I can't say that you will feel the same way about the film as I did, but I will guarantee you will never look at the athletes making up this "fake" sport the same ever again. And that's a good thing, because they deserve better.
January 2, 2009
Why I Don't Want To Be Homeless.....
I was in the great city of Chicago for New Years Eve and I felt the pain of the homeless for a few short hours. It got me thinking, man they have it rough. I don't know how they do it.
Where to begin? Oh yeah, it all started on New Years Eve around 2:00 a.m. as I was leaving the bar I was at to ring in 2009. For anyone living in a big city, you know the difficulties of getting a cab as the bars close. Well this was kind of like that, but much worse.
First off, it was fucking freezing. I'm not talking chilly, I can handle chilly. This was the kind of brutal cold that makes your ability to speak clearly go bye bye. Of course the bakers dozen red bull and vodkas I had prior to this had already started that process for me. Secondly, I was alone because everyone had decided to go home and I wanted to meet up with my cousin, whom I was staying with, at the bar he was at which was open until 4:00, so it made passing the time in these arctic temps that much harder. And I had these fucking douche bags following me around trying to grab whatever cab I was going for. It's like they had a radar detector and I was beeping like a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. If I walked 20 feet to a different corner, they followed me and walked an extra 10 to be ahead of me in the invisible cab line. So then I backtracked and walk 30 feet in the other direction thinking I'll find one this way, and what do I find when I look up? Douche bag # two coming my way to get the jump on that corner. I thought I was on candid camera. I'm thinking to myself, are these guys fucking with me?
After about 30 minutes of this I say screw it and begin to hoof it back to my cousin's place on foot. I was talking to him on the phone and he had the same problem I was having but was so cold he stopped in a homeless shelter for some heat, I chose the Pita Pit. From what he described, the clientele in Pita Pit was a much prettier sight than the shelter, although anyone who has seen the type of people in Pita Pit at 3:00 a.m. may disagree. We finally got back to his place around 3:40 a.m., an hour and 40 minutes after I left the bar. I was walking that long. I'm pretty sure my penis was inverted. I honestly have no idea how these bums do it day after day, night after night.
Thinking I don't want to go through anything like that again, I figured that would be the closest I came to homeless in the city while I was there. Man was I wrong. I stuck it out in the city new years day to be around the atmosphere of the Winter Classic hockey game between the Red Wings and Blackhawks. Both mine and my cousin's phone died during the afternoon. We were drinking all day and ended up at the Barleycorn in Wrigleyville. My cuz was much drunker than I was and he tends to be forgetful when this happens. By forgetful I mean he forgot that I was not only with him but staying with him. We were with a few other people and before anyone knew what was happening he hops in a cab and takes off. Poof, gone! Again, the candid camera thing jumped into my head. Keep in mind, we don't have phones that work.
It's about 9:00 p.m. at this point and I am clearly ready to go back and pass out. So I figure, I will cab it back to his place, find a way into his apartment building and hope to god that he left his door unlocked knowing I would be coming back. Steps one and two went according to plan.....three not so much. The little fucker locked his door. I could hear his dumb ass snoring from the hallway. I was banging so loud on the door I thought someone was going to call the cops. After about 20 minutes I give up and sit down in his hallway. I end up passing out right there sitting up against a wall. I wake up and have no concept of time because I wasn't wearing a watch and my phone was dead. I figure it must only be 11:00 p.m. or so, so I decide to leave his building and walk to my friends place to see if I can crash on a couch. I stop in at a 7/11 to find out the time, yup, 4:25 a.m. I slept on that damn hallway floor nearly all night. I can't go ring my friends doorbell right now since she has like five roommates and who knows how many others crashing on her couches. But worst of all I'm now locked out of my cousin's apartment building.
Again, the cold is beginning to hurt my extremities......all of my extremities. I'm cold, tired and beginning to feel sick from the amount of booze I've put in my body over the past three days. I'm supposed to leave when he gets up for work at 7:00 a.m. I consider going to a motel, but I'd rather not spend $150 for two hours. I go back to the 7/11, buy a Gatorade and a paper and sit in the small ass vestibule that separates his apartment building from the front door. The trunk of my Honda Civic is bigger than this thing. And the single pain glass door doesn't exactly keep the cold air outside from making its way in. I'm officially homeless......again.
Around 5:30 a.m., as I'm beginning to get the shakes, I hear the elevator door open. I rise up like the resurrection of Jesus and pretend to be talking on my phone with my cousin so whoever is coming to the front door doesn't think I'm a total retard or burglar. She opens the door as I'm in mid pretend sentence saying something along the lines of "yeah man, weird night, I'll be up in a second....is your elevator still broken?" The elevator was broken earlier that day so I figured this would prove to this girl I'm not trying to rob the place blind.
Out of the goodness in her sweet heart she lets me in. My feet begin to thaw. I go up to his apartment and notice the snoring is done. I knock twice and hear him yell, "Jeff?" I respond with "OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" He opens it and with a dismayed look on his face says "what happened last night, how did we get separated?" I didn't even entertain him with a response. I got on his futon and proceeded to attempt to fall asleep for the hour and half that I had left.
Ordinarily, a three day booze binge that includes eating nothing but fried foods and destroying numerous brain cells does not teach you much, but in my case it taught me three things:
1) Always bring a phone charger
2) My cousin is retarded
3) If I'm going to be homeless, make damn sure it's in a warm weather location......so much easier on the testicles.
Where to begin? Oh yeah, it all started on New Years Eve around 2:00 a.m. as I was leaving the bar I was at to ring in 2009. For anyone living in a big city, you know the difficulties of getting a cab as the bars close. Well this was kind of like that, but much worse.
First off, it was fucking freezing. I'm not talking chilly, I can handle chilly. This was the kind of brutal cold that makes your ability to speak clearly go bye bye. Of course the bakers dozen red bull and vodkas I had prior to this had already started that process for me. Secondly, I was alone because everyone had decided to go home and I wanted to meet up with my cousin, whom I was staying with, at the bar he was at which was open until 4:00, so it made passing the time in these arctic temps that much harder. And I had these fucking douche bags following me around trying to grab whatever cab I was going for. It's like they had a radar detector and I was beeping like a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. If I walked 20 feet to a different corner, they followed me and walked an extra 10 to be ahead of me in the invisible cab line. So then I backtracked and walk 30 feet in the other direction thinking I'll find one this way, and what do I find when I look up? Douche bag # two coming my way to get the jump on that corner. I thought I was on candid camera. I'm thinking to myself, are these guys fucking with me?
After about 30 minutes of this I say screw it and begin to hoof it back to my cousin's place on foot. I was talking to him on the phone and he had the same problem I was having but was so cold he stopped in a homeless shelter for some heat, I chose the Pita Pit. From what he described, the clientele in Pita Pit was a much prettier sight than the shelter, although anyone who has seen the type of people in Pita Pit at 3:00 a.m. may disagree. We finally got back to his place around 3:40 a.m., an hour and 40 minutes after I left the bar. I was walking that long. I'm pretty sure my penis was inverted. I honestly have no idea how these bums do it day after day, night after night.
Thinking I don't want to go through anything like that again, I figured that would be the closest I came to homeless in the city while I was there. Man was I wrong. I stuck it out in the city new years day to be around the atmosphere of the Winter Classic hockey game between the Red Wings and Blackhawks. Both mine and my cousin's phone died during the afternoon. We were drinking all day and ended up at the Barleycorn in Wrigleyville. My cuz was much drunker than I was and he tends to be forgetful when this happens. By forgetful I mean he forgot that I was not only with him but staying with him. We were with a few other people and before anyone knew what was happening he hops in a cab and takes off. Poof, gone! Again, the candid camera thing jumped into my head. Keep in mind, we don't have phones that work.
It's about 9:00 p.m. at this point and I am clearly ready to go back and pass out. So I figure, I will cab it back to his place, find a way into his apartment building and hope to god that he left his door unlocked knowing I would be coming back. Steps one and two went according to plan.....three not so much. The little fucker locked his door. I could hear his dumb ass snoring from the hallway. I was banging so loud on the door I thought someone was going to call the cops. After about 20 minutes I give up and sit down in his hallway. I end up passing out right there sitting up against a wall. I wake up and have no concept of time because I wasn't wearing a watch and my phone was dead. I figure it must only be 11:00 p.m. or so, so I decide to leave his building and walk to my friends place to see if I can crash on a couch. I stop in at a 7/11 to find out the time, yup, 4:25 a.m. I slept on that damn hallway floor nearly all night. I can't go ring my friends doorbell right now since she has like five roommates and who knows how many others crashing on her couches. But worst of all I'm now locked out of my cousin's apartment building.
Again, the cold is beginning to hurt my extremities......all of my extremities. I'm cold, tired and beginning to feel sick from the amount of booze I've put in my body over the past three days. I'm supposed to leave when he gets up for work at 7:00 a.m. I consider going to a motel, but I'd rather not spend $150 for two hours. I go back to the 7/11, buy a Gatorade and a paper and sit in the small ass vestibule that separates his apartment building from the front door. The trunk of my Honda Civic is bigger than this thing. And the single pain glass door doesn't exactly keep the cold air outside from making its way in. I'm officially homeless......again.
Around 5:30 a.m., as I'm beginning to get the shakes, I hear the elevator door open. I rise up like the resurrection of Jesus and pretend to be talking on my phone with my cousin so whoever is coming to the front door doesn't think I'm a total retard or burglar. She opens the door as I'm in mid pretend sentence saying something along the lines of "yeah man, weird night, I'll be up in a second....is your elevator still broken?" The elevator was broken earlier that day so I figured this would prove to this girl I'm not trying to rob the place blind.
Out of the goodness in her sweet heart she lets me in. My feet begin to thaw. I go up to his apartment and notice the snoring is done. I knock twice and hear him yell, "Jeff?" I respond with "OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" He opens it and with a dismayed look on his face says "what happened last night, how did we get separated?" I didn't even entertain him with a response. I got on his futon and proceeded to attempt to fall asleep for the hour and half that I had left.
Ordinarily, a three day booze binge that includes eating nothing but fried foods and destroying numerous brain cells does not teach you much, but in my case it taught me three things:
1) Always bring a phone charger
2) My cousin is retarded
3) If I'm going to be homeless, make damn sure it's in a warm weather location......so much easier on the testicles.
December 18, 2008
The Death Of Print
The newspaper business is beginning a new tradition in the city of Detroit......the tradition of not delivering newspapers. I know this may seem a little strange to those of you outside the Metro Detroit area. But for those of us living in it these days, nothing is surprising.
It's no secret the economy is taking a big hit in the state of Michigan. Detroit has become the butt of all jokes. The endless debates over bailouts for the big three, the rising unemployment rate, the closing of small and large businesses alike throughout the city, Detroit has become the poster child for the recession this country is feeling.
With no end in sight to these problems, the two major newspapers in the Metro Detroit area are following suit. The Detroit Free Press and Detroit News announced this week that they will no longer be offering daily home delivery of their newspapers. Each newspaper will now only be delivering their respective papers three days a week. The News on Thursday, Friday and Saturday and the Free Press Thursday, Friday and Sunday. If you want to get the paper on the days not offered you will either need to read online or go to a news stand.
Now to those of us in the generations that followed the baby boomers, this probably isn't that big of a deal. We all read online anyway and have no problem heading to a stand to get a paper if we really needed to. But there is an extremely large population 50 and older who have made reading the paper a very big part of their day. I am only 27, but I myself love reading the paper. I enjoy having the hard copy in hand and being able to take in all that it provides.
What is my grandmother supposed to do? She has no internet and can't get out to pick up a paper. What is my father supposed to do? He leaves for work everyday very early and usually takes the paper with him so he can read it while he's out to lunch. This isn't New York. There isn't exactly a giant news stand on every corner. I think we over estimate the amount of people who both have access to the internet and have time to sit down in front of their computer to read the daily news.
Getting and reading the paper is a major part of most senior citizens days. For many of them, it's one of the few things they still do on a regular basis.
In the long run this may save the papers some money on delivery charges and printing charges since they will most likely print fewer papers on the days that there is no delivery. But I just think we are taking too many things for granted. In a city that has the highest unemployment rate in the country, should we really be cutting more jobs? Think about the number of delivery men and women who are now out jobs. Think about the number of people that no longer are needed at the News and Free Press' printing stations. We continue to cut cut cut when it comes to finding ways to save dollars here and there.
I'm sure Detroit will not be the only city to do this and other papers throughout the country will fall in line. It's the unfortunate times we are living in.
Heck, eventually (probably not in my lifetime) there will be no more print at all as everything will be done electronically. I just never thought it would happen this quickly.
It's no secret the economy is taking a big hit in the state of Michigan. Detroit has become the butt of all jokes. The endless debates over bailouts for the big three, the rising unemployment rate, the closing of small and large businesses alike throughout the city, Detroit has become the poster child for the recession this country is feeling.
With no end in sight to these problems, the two major newspapers in the Metro Detroit area are following suit. The Detroit Free Press and Detroit News announced this week that they will no longer be offering daily home delivery of their newspapers. Each newspaper will now only be delivering their respective papers three days a week. The News on Thursday, Friday and Saturday and the Free Press Thursday, Friday and Sunday. If you want to get the paper on the days not offered you will either need to read online or go to a news stand.
Now to those of us in the generations that followed the baby boomers, this probably isn't that big of a deal. We all read online anyway and have no problem heading to a stand to get a paper if we really needed to. But there is an extremely large population 50 and older who have made reading the paper a very big part of their day. I am only 27, but I myself love reading the paper. I enjoy having the hard copy in hand and being able to take in all that it provides.
What is my grandmother supposed to do? She has no internet and can't get out to pick up a paper. What is my father supposed to do? He leaves for work everyday very early and usually takes the paper with him so he can read it while he's out to lunch. This isn't New York. There isn't exactly a giant news stand on every corner. I think we over estimate the amount of people who both have access to the internet and have time to sit down in front of their computer to read the daily news.
Getting and reading the paper is a major part of most senior citizens days. For many of them, it's one of the few things they still do on a regular basis.
In the long run this may save the papers some money on delivery charges and printing charges since they will most likely print fewer papers on the days that there is no delivery. But I just think we are taking too many things for granted. In a city that has the highest unemployment rate in the country, should we really be cutting more jobs? Think about the number of delivery men and women who are now out jobs. Think about the number of people that no longer are needed at the News and Free Press' printing stations. We continue to cut cut cut when it comes to finding ways to save dollars here and there.
I'm sure Detroit will not be the only city to do this and other papers throughout the country will fall in line. It's the unfortunate times we are living in.
Heck, eventually (probably not in my lifetime) there will be no more print at all as everything will be done electronically. I just never thought it would happen this quickly.
December 2, 2008
San Quentin Football?
The recent case of Plaxico Burress being arrested for shooting himself with an unlicensed gun got me thinking, man the NFL is full of stupid people. I did some some research and came to the realization we could field an entire football team (and then some) with former and current NFL stars who have had run ins with the law. There were at least 35 players arrested in 2006 and of the 509 players in the NFL in 2005, 21% had some kind of incident with the police.
First of all, we could name the entire Minnesota Vikings roster from 2005-06 for their infamous boat party, but that is just too many players, so just know that there are about 20-25 right there.
So lets start with the offense which has 10 all-pro's and could have up to four Hall of Famers:
Quarterback: Michael Vick - This is an easy pick, after all he was one of the most talented players in the league before being convicted of dogfighting charges.
Running Backs: O.J. Simpson, Michael Pittman - There are so many to pick from here, but you have to go with Hall of Famer Simpson, who got away with murder but then was stupid enough to get caught again for robbery/kidnapping, and Pittman, who is a Superbowl champion and a multiple offender of Drunk Driving....(honorable mention - Ricky Williams)
Tight End/Receivers: Rae Carruth, Michael Irvin, Chris Henry, Randy Moss, Plaxico Burress, Jerramy Stevens, Daniel Graham - Carruth is an easy choice being convicted of a drive by murder of his pregnant girlfriend (i guess breaking up wasn't an option?). Irvin and Moss are the best one's of the group. Irvine had multiple arrests for drugs (who can forget him walking into his court date wearing a fur coat and designer sunglasses) and Moss had that amazing arrest when he decided to run over a police officer who stopped him for a simple traffic violation (he couldn't afford the $150 speeding ticket?). Henry has more DUI's then touchdown catches in his career and Stevens and Graham made our list as tight ends for harassment/drunk driving.
Offensive Lineman: Nate Newton, Todd Burger, Nick Naczur, Kareem McKenzie, Barrit Robbins - You have to choose multiple all-pro Newton who despite making over $50 million in his career thought he needed some extra pocket change and was caught selling pot. Burger played over 10 years in the NFL and then made a career switch and became a hit-man for an illegal gambling ring. Naczur was arrested for having illegal prescription drugs and ended up wearing wires for the FBI to get a lower plea. Robbins is just your average attempted murderer and McKenzie is the newcomer on the list as he only has a couple DUI's to his credit.
Next is Defense:
Defensive Lineman: Tank Johnson, Jonathan Babineaux, Tommy Kelly, Jonathan Sullivan - Babineaux is just another Atlanta Falcon arrested for animal abuse (must be something in the water down there), Johnson has had so many disputes with law enforcement I can't even get into it, and Kelly and Sullivan are all about illegal drugs.
Linebackers: Dhani Jones, James Harrison, Ray Lewis, Ernie Sims - Jones and Sims are on here for drunk driving and resisting arrest...no biggie. Pro-bowler Harrison beat up his 29-year-old girlfriend for a charge of simple assault (I'm sure she thought it was simple too) and Ray Lewis was involved in a murder.....just another day in the life of an NFL linebacker.
Defensive Backs: Pacman Jones, Justin Miller, Lawyer Milloy, Terrance Kiel, Donte Nicholson - Jones has been arrested 13 times since 2006....even O.J. thinks he needs to calm down. Milloy only has a DUI on his resume. Kiel was arrested for drugs before begin killed in a car accident, Miler was the fastest man in the league but couldn't outrun the cops when resisted arrest for possession and Bucs safety Nicholson was tasered twice during a fight with police officers at a club....oye!
Kicker: Sebastian Janikowski - Yes, we even have a kicker on this list! Janikowski is just your average alcoholic who has been in more bar fights than Russel Crowe. Janikowski reminds me of one of those characters from the movie Gangs of New York. Drink in a bar and take the first person who looks at you wrong outside and beat the living shit out them.
Now it doesn't end there, after all we need some coaches to keep these guys in check. Arizona assistant coach Richie Anderson can run the offense with his running back background and two DUI's to his credit. Titans assistant Chuck Cecil takes care of the defense for a driving while under the influence. But the head spot has to go to Joe Cullen, who was arrested twice while an assistant for the Detroit Lions. Once for DUI and next for driving drunk and naked through a drive-thru window.....(i don't want to know where he was keeping his change). Even the men in charge of the men who have been arrested have been arrested. Got to love the NFL.
But wait, there's more. I mean we have to think about the fans. They need something to look at while the game is at commercial. That's why we even have a few cheerleaders on this list. Amazing, the broads in charge of doing nothing but shaking their tuchis' while wearing G-Strings have been arrested. Tampa Bay Cheerleader and former Bachelor star Mary Delgado was arrested two months ago for assaulting the Bachelor she chose at a local bar. And two Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders were arrested for having sex in a public bathroom and assaulting another patron at a Tampa Bay bar just 10 hours before they were supposed to be at the football field. We only know one of their names, Angela Keathley, since the other one gave the phony name of a different cheerleader on the squad when she was arrested. I'm sure that made for a fun day at work on Sunday.
I always thought the NBA had the most idiotic people in it, but that simply isn't the case. The NFL is loaded with moronic people. From the guys playing, to the men coaching, to the chics dancing, this league is filled with brainless millionaires who think they are above the law.
However, one thing out of all this is very clear. This team, even though it is filled with some men who haven't played in five, 10, even 30 years, could still today beat the Detroit Lions.
First of all, we could name the entire Minnesota Vikings roster from 2005-06 for their infamous boat party, but that is just too many players, so just know that there are about 20-25 right there.
So lets start with the offense which has 10 all-pro's and could have up to four Hall of Famers:
Quarterback: Michael Vick - This is an easy pick, after all he was one of the most talented players in the league before being convicted of dogfighting charges.
Running Backs: O.J. Simpson, Michael Pittman - There are so many to pick from here, but you have to go with Hall of Famer Simpson, who got away with murder but then was stupid enough to get caught again for robbery/kidnapping, and Pittman, who is a Superbowl champion and a multiple offender of Drunk Driving....(honorable mention - Ricky Williams)
Tight End/Receivers: Rae Carruth, Michael Irvin, Chris Henry, Randy Moss, Plaxico Burress, Jerramy Stevens, Daniel Graham - Carruth is an easy choice being convicted of a drive by murder of his pregnant girlfriend (i guess breaking up wasn't an option?). Irvin and Moss are the best one's of the group. Irvine had multiple arrests for drugs (who can forget him walking into his court date wearing a fur coat and designer sunglasses) and Moss had that amazing arrest when he decided to run over a police officer who stopped him for a simple traffic violation (he couldn't afford the $150 speeding ticket?). Henry has more DUI's then touchdown catches in his career and Stevens and Graham made our list as tight ends for harassment/drunk driving.
Offensive Lineman: Nate Newton, Todd Burger, Nick Naczur, Kareem McKenzie, Barrit Robbins - You have to choose multiple all-pro Newton who despite making over $50 million in his career thought he needed some extra pocket change and was caught selling pot. Burger played over 10 years in the NFL and then made a career switch and became a hit-man for an illegal gambling ring. Naczur was arrested for having illegal prescription drugs and ended up wearing wires for the FBI to get a lower plea. Robbins is just your average attempted murderer and McKenzie is the newcomer on the list as he only has a couple DUI's to his credit.
Next is Defense:
Defensive Lineman: Tank Johnson, Jonathan Babineaux, Tommy Kelly, Jonathan Sullivan - Babineaux is just another Atlanta Falcon arrested for animal abuse (must be something in the water down there), Johnson has had so many disputes with law enforcement I can't even get into it, and Kelly and Sullivan are all about illegal drugs.
Linebackers: Dhani Jones, James Harrison, Ray Lewis, Ernie Sims - Jones and Sims are on here for drunk driving and resisting arrest...no biggie. Pro-bowler Harrison beat up his 29-year-old girlfriend for a charge of simple assault (I'm sure she thought it was simple too) and Ray Lewis was involved in a murder.....just another day in the life of an NFL linebacker.
Defensive Backs: Pacman Jones, Justin Miller, Lawyer Milloy, Terrance Kiel, Donte Nicholson - Jones has been arrested 13 times since 2006....even O.J. thinks he needs to calm down. Milloy only has a DUI on his resume. Kiel was arrested for drugs before begin killed in a car accident, Miler was the fastest man in the league but couldn't outrun the cops when resisted arrest for possession and Bucs safety Nicholson was tasered twice during a fight with police officers at a club....oye!
Kicker: Sebastian Janikowski - Yes, we even have a kicker on this list! Janikowski is just your average alcoholic who has been in more bar fights than Russel Crowe. Janikowski reminds me of one of those characters from the movie Gangs of New York. Drink in a bar and take the first person who looks at you wrong outside and beat the living shit out them.
Now it doesn't end there, after all we need some coaches to keep these guys in check. Arizona assistant coach Richie Anderson can run the offense with his running back background and two DUI's to his credit. Titans assistant Chuck Cecil takes care of the defense for a driving while under the influence. But the head spot has to go to Joe Cullen, who was arrested twice while an assistant for the Detroit Lions. Once for DUI and next for driving drunk and naked through a drive-thru window.....(i don't want to know where he was keeping his change). Even the men in charge of the men who have been arrested have been arrested. Got to love the NFL.
But wait, there's more. I mean we have to think about the fans. They need something to look at while the game is at commercial. That's why we even have a few cheerleaders on this list. Amazing, the broads in charge of doing nothing but shaking their tuchis' while wearing G-Strings have been arrested. Tampa Bay Cheerleader and former Bachelor star Mary Delgado was arrested two months ago for assaulting the Bachelor she chose at a local bar. And two Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders were arrested for having sex in a public bathroom and assaulting another patron at a Tampa Bay bar just 10 hours before they were supposed to be at the football field. We only know one of their names, Angela Keathley, since the other one gave the phony name of a different cheerleader on the squad when she was arrested. I'm sure that made for a fun day at work on Sunday.
I always thought the NBA had the most idiotic people in it, but that simply isn't the case. The NFL is loaded with moronic people. From the guys playing, to the men coaching, to the chics dancing, this league is filled with brainless millionaires who think they are above the law.
However, one thing out of all this is very clear. This team, even though it is filled with some men who haven't played in five, 10, even 30 years, could still today beat the Detroit Lions.
November 20, 2008
Integrity And Character
It's often said that character is judged on how one acts when nobody is looking. If this is the case, then J.P. Hayes has more character than any person I've ever heard of.
Hayes is a professional golfer who has two wins on the PGA Tour. However, because he finished so low on the money list this year, he is not automatically on the PGA tour next season. He needed to finish in the top 20 of a three stage qualifying match in order to receive his tour card which would allow him enter any tournament he wishes next year. Without that card he would need to qualify for any tournament he wants to play in and won't be guaranteed to make any money next season.
This is Hayes' job. It's how he makes his living. So it's fair to say that this qualifying match to get his PGA Tour card was a pretty big deal for him. That's why I was so impressed when he decided to call a foul on himself.
Hayes was on his first round of the three round match when he asked his caddy for a ball. His caddy gave him a ball for his tee shot on the par 3 hole. Hayes struck his tee shot short of the hole, chipped his ball onto the green and then went to mark it. When he looked at the ball he realized it was not the same ball he had been playing with. This is a two stroke penalty as you must continue playing the same ball you started your round with. Hayes called over an official, told him what happened, took his penalty and finished the hole. Hayes ended the round with a 74. He had a 71 his second round that day and was in very good position to finish in the top 20 and get his tour card.
Later that night in his hotel room Hayes made a terrible realization. He looked at the ball and realized it was a Titliest prototype that may not be approved for tour use. This violation could result in disqualification. Hayes remembered getting some prototypes a while back to test out but had no idea how the ball got into his golf bag. He says he checks his equipment all the time and didn't know it was there. He was now faced with a decision to make. He could turn himself in and possibly be disqualified and remove himself from any chance of getting his tour card next season or say nothing. Nobody would ever know. This is his career we're talking about. He's not in some Sunday morning league with some friends. He's a professional golfer who relies on tournament winnings to support himself and his family. So what did he do? He made the phone call.
Hayes called an official and told him what happened. The official said he would need to speak with some people and would get back to him. When Hayes got the return phone call he received the news he had already feared. The ball was not approved and he had been disqualified from the tournament, thus removing any chance he had to get his tour card for next season.
Golf is a gentleman's game which relies on the players calling penalty's on themselves. Had Hayes not said anything nobody would have ever known.......nobody but him that is. He said he thinks any other player in his position would have done the same thing. I'd like to believe that. The truth is that in life, not only sports, people are often put in positions like this. To choose whether to do the right thing or what's best for ourselves. And I have a feeling Hayes' decision is not made often.
I applaud what Hayes did. He chose the integrity of the game over his own self interests. He made the game bigger than himself.
J.P. Hayes won't be on the PGA Tour next season, but I guarantee he has the respect of everyone who is.
Hayes is a professional golfer who has two wins on the PGA Tour. However, because he finished so low on the money list this year, he is not automatically on the PGA tour next season. He needed to finish in the top 20 of a three stage qualifying match in order to receive his tour card which would allow him enter any tournament he wishes next year. Without that card he would need to qualify for any tournament he wants to play in and won't be guaranteed to make any money next season.
This is Hayes' job. It's how he makes his living. So it's fair to say that this qualifying match to get his PGA Tour card was a pretty big deal for him. That's why I was so impressed when he decided to call a foul on himself.
Hayes was on his first round of the three round match when he asked his caddy for a ball. His caddy gave him a ball for his tee shot on the par 3 hole. Hayes struck his tee shot short of the hole, chipped his ball onto the green and then went to mark it. When he looked at the ball he realized it was not the same ball he had been playing with. This is a two stroke penalty as you must continue playing the same ball you started your round with. Hayes called over an official, told him what happened, took his penalty and finished the hole. Hayes ended the round with a 74. He had a 71 his second round that day and was in very good position to finish in the top 20 and get his tour card.
Later that night in his hotel room Hayes made a terrible realization. He looked at the ball and realized it was a Titliest prototype that may not be approved for tour use. This violation could result in disqualification. Hayes remembered getting some prototypes a while back to test out but had no idea how the ball got into his golf bag. He says he checks his equipment all the time and didn't know it was there. He was now faced with a decision to make. He could turn himself in and possibly be disqualified and remove himself from any chance of getting his tour card next season or say nothing. Nobody would ever know. This is his career we're talking about. He's not in some Sunday morning league with some friends. He's a professional golfer who relies on tournament winnings to support himself and his family. So what did he do? He made the phone call.
Hayes called an official and told him what happened. The official said he would need to speak with some people and would get back to him. When Hayes got the return phone call he received the news he had already feared. The ball was not approved and he had been disqualified from the tournament, thus removing any chance he had to get his tour card for next season.
Golf is a gentleman's game which relies on the players calling penalty's on themselves. Had Hayes not said anything nobody would have ever known.......nobody but him that is. He said he thinks any other player in his position would have done the same thing. I'd like to believe that. The truth is that in life, not only sports, people are often put in positions like this. To choose whether to do the right thing or what's best for ourselves. And I have a feeling Hayes' decision is not made often.
I applaud what Hayes did. He chose the integrity of the game over his own self interests. He made the game bigger than himself.
J.P. Hayes won't be on the PGA Tour next season, but I guarantee he has the respect of everyone who is.
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